I shouldn't have to come home everyday and just want to either sleep or cry because I'm not asleep.
p.s. another shitty day
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Stupid lasts a lifetime
So I'm feeling stupid today.
I sent an email I regret sending and it will either break me or the other person will be oblivious and I'll have obsessed for nothing. But I have to obsess because of the chance of it breaking me, which really isn't all that different from what I have now...so I guess being broken is pretty par for the course.
I'm trying to sort out my thoughts on love and friendship. I'm not having much luck. I want to be a character in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel, or maybe be the inspiration for a Pablo Neruda poem. But at the same time, I want to want to be the girl next door in an all-American kind of way. I'm not that girl, but it would be easier I think.
I like to think of myself as a good friend, someone that is capable of close and lasting intimacy. So why can't I make this close and lasting intimacy translate to love? Why do I harm my chances for love? And shouldn't I be able to maintain self-respect and integrity and just my SELF, the core of ME without feeling like I'm being somehow comprimised?
It's all so...messy.
I just want the opportunity to look this someone I wrote the stupid email to in the eyes and say: You make me crazy. You make me irrational. And because you make me crazy and irrational I can't keep my bearing. I'm constantly off-balance and it's your fault. And, really, your inability to deal with me has less to do with me being me and a lot to do with you being you. Maybe it's time I admitted that I don't know you anymore. And the decision about whether to get to know each other again or to move on...well, just remember what I said. You make me crazy.
That's what I want to say. Maybe.
I sent an email I regret sending and it will either break me or the other person will be oblivious and I'll have obsessed for nothing. But I have to obsess because of the chance of it breaking me, which really isn't all that different from what I have now...so I guess being broken is pretty par for the course.
I'm trying to sort out my thoughts on love and friendship. I'm not having much luck. I want to be a character in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel, or maybe be the inspiration for a Pablo Neruda poem. But at the same time, I want to want to be the girl next door in an all-American kind of way. I'm not that girl, but it would be easier I think.
I like to think of myself as a good friend, someone that is capable of close and lasting intimacy. So why can't I make this close and lasting intimacy translate to love? Why do I harm my chances for love? And shouldn't I be able to maintain self-respect and integrity and just my SELF, the core of ME without feeling like I'm being somehow comprimised?
It's all so...messy.
I just want the opportunity to look this someone I wrote the stupid email to in the eyes and say: You make me crazy. You make me irrational. And because you make me crazy and irrational I can't keep my bearing. I'm constantly off-balance and it's your fault. And, really, your inability to deal with me has less to do with me being me and a lot to do with you being you. Maybe it's time I admitted that I don't know you anymore. And the decision about whether to get to know each other again or to move on...well, just remember what I said. You make me crazy.
That's what I want to say. Maybe.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Burning
I feel like I think too much. About everything.
Is it too much to ask to not be objectified? Is it too much trouble to be seen for who I am as well as who I was? There's apparently too much work involved in getting to know me.
It hurt. So yes, space was good. But now, now I can't stop thinking.
I wish for a way to make things happy again. Happiness eludes me. I am content and in contentment, burn.
Is it too much to ask to not be objectified? Is it too much trouble to be seen for who I am as well as who I was? There's apparently too much work involved in getting to know me.
It hurt. So yes, space was good. But now, now I can't stop thinking.
I wish for a way to make things happy again. Happiness eludes me. I am content and in contentment, burn.
Drama
I haven't written in a very long time. Even my journal has been neglected since January 2010. But I might be making an attempt to pick it up again.
It's early, 6ish AM early, and I've been up since 4. I decided to get on the computer since I was awake, and messed around with backgrounds for my blogs, checked facebook and email. I have a friend who apparently doesn't want to talk to me because I have "drama" and therefore am "too high school". I'm sorry that I have stuff going on in my life...man, I should really stop that. So stupid. And now I've probably lost that friendship.
Wouldn't be the first time I've lost a friendship.
I've felt dramatic before but then, I'm the creative sort. Also, I'm crazy. So what did he expect?
Anyway.
I should be asleep so that I can work productively on my lesson plans for student teaching alllllll day today. I might get something to eat though first. Hungry, hungry hippos.
It's early, 6ish AM early, and I've been up since 4. I decided to get on the computer since I was awake, and messed around with backgrounds for my blogs, checked facebook and email. I have a friend who apparently doesn't want to talk to me because I have "drama" and therefore am "too high school". I'm sorry that I have stuff going on in my life...man, I should really stop that. So stupid. And now I've probably lost that friendship.
Wouldn't be the first time I've lost a friendship.
I've felt dramatic before but then, I'm the creative sort. Also, I'm crazy. So what did he expect?
Anyway.
I should be asleep so that I can work productively on my lesson plans for student teaching alllllll day today. I might get something to eat though first. Hungry, hungry hippos.
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