Troubled

I'm listening to Norah Jones and feeling soothed and haunted at the same time. Wistful is a state of mind.

I should be asleep, but there's too much in my head. Things I've been trying to avoid all day. Like where to live, what relationships are important to me, and career choices. All decisions that require my attention. Too much in my head right now to sleep.

I feel a bit insightful. I had an epiphany tonight. I'm thinking that because my life is so topsy-turvy right now and not in a good way, that I'm focusing on someone that perhaps I should not be focusing on. Love is funny. And I'm not good at it, as in I ruin good things. But it makes sense to me that I might be missing and thinking I love someone because I need something good in my life. And that hurts a little, to think that I've ruined that love already by believing it to be false. If only there were a way to tell.

My family was over today for Easter and I had some melancholy moments. Family does that to me, I don't know why. Plus, I had very little me time this weekend. I require a bit of recuperation on the weekends, a recharging of spirit or energy I suppose, and I didn't get it this weekend.

I'm covering someone else's shift as well as my normal hours tomorrow...well, today, and I'm going to be doing it on less than five hours of sleep. Trouble.

If only I could figure out all this stuff in my head, maybe I could rid myself of this tension and sleep. Alas....

Awake Awake

I dreamt of everything, in minute detail, that I need to do tomorrow morning. Very odd. Now I'm awake and it's almost 4 am. I've been awake for an hour. I watched Eat, Pray, Love this weekend and loved it. I would love to be able to do what she did, but I don't think I'm that person that can get up and go. Time will tell. I'm feeling a little less boxed in. Like my world isn't as narrow as I felt it to be. I'm waiting to see what the future holds. Trying to stay positive despite voices in my family that suggest I can't accomplish things other people have no problem with. Normal people. Those that are not medicated. I talked to a friend who helped me feel that there are still possibilities. He reminded me of who I once felt myself to be. A me I would like to reclaim. He also reminded me that I need to build my home in people rather than places. Things are so transient and material things should not matter. We'll see. I feel funny being up for the last hour when I went to bed only three hours ago and must get up in one hour. It's going to be a long day.