Stupid lasts a lifetime

So I'm feeling stupid today.

I sent an email I regret sending and it will either break me or the other person will be oblivious and I'll have obsessed for nothing. But I have to obsess because of the chance of it breaking me, which really isn't all that different from what I have now...so I guess being broken is pretty par for the course.

I'm trying to sort out my thoughts on love and friendship. I'm not having much luck. I want to be a character in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel, or maybe be the inspiration for a Pablo Neruda poem. But at the same time, I want to want to be the girl next door in an all-American kind of way. I'm not that girl, but it would be easier I think.

I like to think of myself as a good friend, someone that is capable of close and lasting intimacy. So why can't I make this close and lasting intimacy translate to love? Why do I harm my chances for love? And shouldn't I be able to maintain self-respect and integrity and just my SELF, the core of ME without feeling like I'm being somehow comprimised?

It's all so...messy.

I just want the opportunity to look this someone I wrote the stupid email to in the eyes and say: You make me crazy. You make me irrational. And because you make me crazy and irrational I can't keep my bearing. I'm constantly off-balance and it's your fault. And, really, your inability to deal with me has less to do with me being me and a lot to do with you being you. Maybe it's time I admitted that I don't know you anymore. And the decision about whether to get to know each other again or to move on...well, just remember what I said. You make me crazy.

That's what I want to say. Maybe.