Troubled

I'm listening to Norah Jones and feeling soothed and haunted at the same time. Wistful is a state of mind.

I should be asleep, but there's too much in my head. Things I've been trying to avoid all day. Like where to live, what relationships are important to me, and career choices. All decisions that require my attention. Too much in my head right now to sleep.

I feel a bit insightful. I had an epiphany tonight. I'm thinking that because my life is so topsy-turvy right now and not in a good way, that I'm focusing on someone that perhaps I should not be focusing on. Love is funny. And I'm not good at it, as in I ruin good things. But it makes sense to me that I might be missing and thinking I love someone because I need something good in my life. And that hurts a little, to think that I've ruined that love already by believing it to be false. If only there were a way to tell.

My family was over today for Easter and I had some melancholy moments. Family does that to me, I don't know why. Plus, I had very little me time this weekend. I require a bit of recuperation on the weekends, a recharging of spirit or energy I suppose, and I didn't get it this weekend.

I'm covering someone else's shift as well as my normal hours tomorrow...well, today, and I'm going to be doing it on less than five hours of sleep. Trouble.

If only I could figure out all this stuff in my head, maybe I could rid myself of this tension and sleep. Alas....

Awake Awake

I dreamt of everything, in minute detail, that I need to do tomorrow morning. Very odd. Now I'm awake and it's almost 4 am. I've been awake for an hour. I watched Eat, Pray, Love this weekend and loved it. I would love to be able to do what she did, but I don't think I'm that person that can get up and go. Time will tell. I'm feeling a little less boxed in. Like my world isn't as narrow as I felt it to be. I'm waiting to see what the future holds. Trying to stay positive despite voices in my family that suggest I can't accomplish things other people have no problem with. Normal people. Those that are not medicated. I talked to a friend who helped me feel that there are still possibilities. He reminded me of who I once felt myself to be. A me I would like to reclaim. He also reminded me that I need to build my home in people rather than places. Things are so transient and material things should not matter. We'll see. I feel funny being up for the last hour when I went to bed only three hours ago and must get up in one hour. It's going to be a long day.

So Tired

I shouldn't have to come home everyday and just want to either sleep or cry because I'm not asleep.

p.s. another shitty day

Stupid lasts a lifetime

So I'm feeling stupid today.

I sent an email I regret sending and it will either break me or the other person will be oblivious and I'll have obsessed for nothing. But I have to obsess because of the chance of it breaking me, which really isn't all that different from what I have now...so I guess being broken is pretty par for the course.

I'm trying to sort out my thoughts on love and friendship. I'm not having much luck. I want to be a character in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel, or maybe be the inspiration for a Pablo Neruda poem. But at the same time, I want to want to be the girl next door in an all-American kind of way. I'm not that girl, but it would be easier I think.

I like to think of myself as a good friend, someone that is capable of close and lasting intimacy. So why can't I make this close and lasting intimacy translate to love? Why do I harm my chances for love? And shouldn't I be able to maintain self-respect and integrity and just my SELF, the core of ME without feeling like I'm being somehow comprimised?

It's all so...messy.

I just want the opportunity to look this someone I wrote the stupid email to in the eyes and say: You make me crazy. You make me irrational. And because you make me crazy and irrational I can't keep my bearing. I'm constantly off-balance and it's your fault. And, really, your inability to deal with me has less to do with me being me and a lot to do with you being you. Maybe it's time I admitted that I don't know you anymore. And the decision about whether to get to know each other again or to move on...well, just remember what I said. You make me crazy.

That's what I want to say. Maybe.

Burning

I feel like I think too much. About everything.

Is it too much to ask to not be objectified? Is it too much trouble to be seen for who I am as well as who I was? There's apparently too much work involved in getting to know me.

It hurt. So yes, space was good. But now, now I can't stop thinking.

I wish for a way to make things happy again. Happiness eludes me. I am content and in contentment, burn.

Drama

I haven't written in a very long time. Even my journal has been neglected since January 2010. But I might be making an attempt to pick it up again.

It's early, 6ish AM early, and I've been up since 4. I decided to get on the computer since I was awake, and messed around with backgrounds for my blogs, checked facebook and email. I have a friend who apparently doesn't want to talk to me because I have "drama" and therefore am "too high school". I'm sorry that I have stuff going on in my life...man, I should really stop that. So stupid. And now I've probably lost that friendship.

Wouldn't be the first time I've lost a friendship.

I've felt dramatic before but then, I'm the creative sort. Also, I'm crazy. So what did he expect?

Anyway.

I should be asleep so that I can work productively on my lesson plans for student teaching alllllll day today. I might get something to eat though first. Hungry, hungry hippos.

How do you fix that?

I have been having a really bad go of it lately. I literally had an anxiety attack in my sleep last night. I don't know what to do now. Where to go from here. How to make things make sense again.

I had too much to think again.

Gorky is like this reminder that I'm not who I thought I'd be. And isn't that sad? He started it all. The crying that is. This despondency has been building for awhile. I didn't do my homework this weekend. Just flat out didn't do it. Slept all day Saturday, worked for a bit, busy work, that evening. And today was just a loss. A complete and utter loss.

I can't believe how bad I can get sometimes. An anxiety attack in my sleep!! Seriously?? Then I had another one this afternoon. Curled up on the floor for a bit until it passed.

I wish life weren't so busy. That I had time for a breather that doesn't demand so many consequences. I'm not suicidal right now but the idea of saying that I am just so I can be committed sounds nice. Not that I would do that. Far too expensive. There are better ways to take a vacation. I suppose. I can't think of any at the moment, but I'm sure there are.

I'm falling apart and somehow, this time, it is not gradual. I feel like something has ripped open inside me, leaving me less than whole. And how do you fix that?

I need a life doctor.

One I'd listen to.

I see my therapist in two weeks and I'm wondering if maybe I should bump that up a notch and see if she has anything for next week. Silly though, what difference will one week make?

I want a way to feel like me again. Can you figure out how to make that happen?

I can't.